What’s Under the Tangled Hair?
by Latayne C. Scott
You’d think that child psychologists would have things figured out IRL –in real life. But sometimes we figure things out as we go along.
A colleague, Jessica Borelli, Ph.D., is an associate professor of Psychological Science at the University of California, Irvine, and a practicing psychologist (emPATH Clinical Services). She’s also the mother of a four-year-old daughter who began pitching what we’d call here in Texas a wall-eyed screaming fit when her mom tried to comb her long, tangled blonde hair before school.
Mentalizing and the Formula OPEN
In an article, she describes how she tried reasoning, rewards, new brushes, other tactics, but nothing worked. Not until she used a technique she calls mentalizing, and followed a formula she calls OPEN, did she discover the hair battle wasn't about her own mother-daughter dynamics.
O, in her formula, is an examination of one’s Own emotions. Though this is hard to do when you’re tussling with a stubborn child, Borelli advises stepping back and seeing if you are transferring some of your own tensions from other situations onto this one.
P is for Pause—to examine if your child may be operating on emotions of fear, or situations you might not immediately know about.
E is for Engage—by asking open-ended questions during a less stressful time about what the child is experiencing. One example: “I’m wondering if something is upsetting you a lot.”
N is for New experiences. A parent can learn that a child becomes upset in certain situations not because of the particular scenario but because of something quite different, almost unnoticeable to a parent but important to a child.
In Dr. Borelli’s story, she found her daughter wasn’t objecting to the pain of hair brushing, nor typical four-year old authority testing. It turns out that her daughter was the only blonde in the after-school program, and her neatly-styled hair made her stand out. Borelli found this out through casual questioning and was able to compromise with a gradual progression from tangled hair to a less-styled version than before.
How about you? Do you have techniques that have helped you with an inexplicable situation?
About the Author
Latayne C. Scott is the author of 25 published books and thousands of magazine articles. She is co-author with Dr. Beth Robinson of Protecting Your Child from Predators: How to Recognize and Respond to Sexual Danger (Bethany, 2019) and an upcoming book about how to talk to teens about sex (also to be published by Bethany.) She blogs with Dr. Beth Robinson at KidsCallMeDoc.com.
Her latest books are What Will Be Made Plain: An Amish Ghost Story (TSU Press, 2019), A Conspiracy of Breath (TSU Press, 2017), The Parables of Jesus (TSU Press, 2017), and as a contributor to Leaving Mormonism: Why Four Scholars Changed Their Minds (Kregel, 2017).
You can read “Latayne’s Corner” on the 4th Friday each month here at Mustard Seed Sentinel.